Your Shattered Post-Diagnosis World

You may have a difficult time describing to others how your world is shattered by your diagnosis.  To help you, here’s a clinical description of what that shattered world is about.  Share this with those who love you and who are trying to support you.

Our “world” is a set of assumptions and beliefs that are structures of information stored in the central nervous system.  People who are not touched by such terror can maintain beliefs that are incompatible with the experience of a threat of death by cancer.  For them, there is a rejection of the severity of the experience or their basic way of being in the world.  ”I have my faith, and that makes these kinds of experiences less sever.” “Just enjoy the time that you do have”.  For you, however, there are some profound beliefs that have been shattered and will need to be attended to.

• Safety.  Before the diagnosis, you might have had an assumption about being safe from harm and invulnerable to bad things.  Now, however, you face intrusive thoughts about danger, intense fears about future pain and panic when faced with any sight, sound, smell, or feeling that your survivor brain (amygdala) associates with the experience.  As I said before, just the thought of the room where I was when I got my diagnosis sends me straight to chocolate – my drug of choice.
• Trust.  You’re ability to trust your own perceptions get unraveled.  You used to believe that you would sense or know when danger is near, but after your experience, that is also shattered.  You may feel confused, overcautious, or paralyzed when you have to make any decisions, since that underlying structure of trust in your own judgment is gone.  You used to know when you were sick, and what to do about that, but this “silent killer” shattered your belief in your own ability to care for yourself.
• Power. Your belief in your own capacity to solve problems and meet new challenges can also unravel.  You might have unrealistically high or unrealistically low expectation about personal power.  Without this sense of your own power in place, you might find yourself in patterns of passivity, submission, loss of assertiveness in your life, especially in relationships.
• Esteem.  Beliefs in your own worth or value can be eroded by the diagnosis.  Some patients conclude that they have an inherent badness about themselves, and that they are somehow responsible for the bad outcome.  This also extends to the beliefs about the worth and true nature of people.  You may find yourself fearful of your food, your clothing, anything that might have been the “cause” of your cancer.  All this because your own view of the world has suffered an earthquake.
• Self-Care.  Here is the place where the shattering is most devastating.  The belief in your own ability to comfort or nurture yourself erodes, and you may find yourself overwhelmingly anxious in the face of demands, fears of being alone or even a feeling of inner deadness.  Sometimes attempts to obtain comfort come through alcohol, pills, excessive spending, or superficial sexual encounters.

As you and those who love you recognize that this shattering of your inner world is a reality, be assured that this inner world can be rebuilt in a way that allows you to feel safe and move forward into a joy filled life.  It will take work on your part and is not an instant fix.  You created that inner world through years and years of experience, and you will build a new one again.

You will heal, in your own time.